Chapter 8

After 2 hours i finally pull myself together. Sod him. I'm not going to let him ruin the last part of my life. The only reason why i'm going to bother going down to the studio is for the other three of my friends. Not Gary he's made a message quite clear to me and i'm not going to break my heart over him not now anyway. Picking up my bag i swing it over my shoulder locking my front door behind me, as i head to the reception to ring for a taxi.

After a short drive the taxi drops me at the front of the studio. Jason sits with Howard on a small outdoor bench enjoying a chat and a few puffs of a cigarette. Taking a deep breathe collecting my thoughts i walk along the gravel which crunches under my feet. "And here's another grumpy one!" Jason playfully nudges Howard pointing into my direction.
"What?"
"You and Grumpy Gary in there. Both of you have a face like a smacked arse." Jason laughs. Howard studies my face he knows something's not right between me and Gary i can tell with the look he's giving me.
"O...oh no.. i'm great.. just some trouble with the neighbours that's all... are you coming in it's a bit cold out here and i wanna get back to work on some songs." Forcing out a smile i rub my hands together warming them up a little from the cold atmosphere.
"Come on." Howard flicks the end of his cigarette onto the floor before stepping on it. He wraps an arm around my shoulder as we begin to walk inside with Jason following close behind. "Mark was in there with him when we left getting told off for doing his high notes too high... like that makes sense... you know what Gary's like... 'mister perfect'." Howard jokes opening a black door at the end of the corridor unable to see through the glass seeing as it's frosted i don't have anymore time to prepare myself.
"Try it again, but this time not too high." Gary's voice echoes through the microphone on the recording desk. Mark stands inside the recording box with his head rested against a microphone mumbling under his breath from exhaustion. Gary must of kept him in there for at least a few hours rehearsing.
"My voice is gonna be buggered at this rate." Slowly he lifts his head catching us out the corner of his eye causing a smile to automatically appear. "Oh thank god you lot are back!" He walks out of the recording glass door to give me a friendly hug. "Alright Rob?"
"Y...Yeah thanks... Markie... how're you?" Even though i'm not looking over at Gary i can feel his eyes burning against the side of my head.
"Even better now you're here i'm dying for a ciggie...  me voice needs a rest... you're the only one who needs to do your parts... so good luck!" With a blink of an eye Mark grabs his hat, scarf, coat, gloves and a packet of Sterling Silver cigarettes from the table before disappearing outside.

Jason picks one of the acoustic guitars from a corner of the studio. "Have you got that track How?"
"Yeah should we give it a try? Gaz have you got the blank discs? We're gonna try Howard's harmonies on that track again in the green room."
"Dunno. Have a look for them." Gary replies in a snappy tired tone as he continues to play around with different effects on the switch board for Mark's track. "Fuck sake." Angrily he hits his fist against the wooden board stroking his forehead in frustration. Howard rolls his eyes opening the door for Jason who carries the guitar along with a bundle of wires.
"You can't leave me?" Following them out the door i whisper as quietly as i can. They can't leave me alone with Gary why he's in this mood. Things will just take another turn for the worst and this album with never happen.
"You'll be fine Rob. He's just moody over something he'll get over it. We're only next door and Mark won't be long either. Good luck with the tracks." Howard gives me a friendly pat on the shoulder, as both himself and Jason make their way next door. Great.

The quicker i do these tracks the quicker i can get out of here i think to myself building some confidence up whilst i make my way back into the room shutting the door behind me. "Didn't think you'd show." Gary speaks instant once the door closes. "You're good at that." Is he hinting about me not showing up to the press conference back when the band split? Why is he acting like this? I thought he changed.
"Mature." I walk over to one of the chairs opposite the recording box. "You haven't changed a bit... still self a centred jerk you was back in the nineties."
"I can't be doing with this just get on with your tracks, so i can get out of here." Gary reaches through a pile of blank discs, so he knew where they were then?
"Why are you being like this Gary? This isn't like you... well not how you acted the first few hours we were together." Gently i place my hand onto his wrist stopping him from  rummaging through the box of blank discs. Feeling my touch quickly Gary pulls away not allowing me to make contact with him. "Have i done something? Have i said something? This is driving me mad!"
"Just leave it Rob..." Quietly Gary  mutters under his breath cupping his face. He inhales a deep breathe and exhaling it into a sigh.
"No. I can't leave it. We were happy... i was actually happy... that was down to you why the sudden change out of the blue? Howard didn't catch us... even if he did i don't see the problem."
"Of course you don't see the problem! But i do! I'm not like you Rob... when i say 'i don't care' i do. I do care what people think of me... i just can't go through the talking.. the whispers... the everything... mentally i'm not strong for that quiet suffering again."

For a moment or two the room drops silent that's when his words sink in. "Y...You're...embarrassed?"
"You don't know what you're talking about. Just get in the recording box. I won't say it again Rob." Shaking my head my lips curl into a smile, but not a happy smile. "You're embarrassed about loving another man... aren't you? That's it isn't it?"
"NO! I don't love another man... i never have....not in that way...but that doesn't mean i have problems with men who are gay... i'm just not one of them."
"Stop lying to yourself... just admit it.... go on... admit it Gary Barlow... you have feeling for another man." Moving my hand to his tightly i grip it feeling his sweaty palm against mine. For a few seconds we sit with our hands locked together until he stands up breaking contact cupping his face again looking agitated.
"Why can't you just leave me alone?! You're making things ten times worse!" I can't let him slip away like this. He's hiding it. It's written all over his face and the way he's acting.
"Gary. Look at me." Standing to my feet i walk over to him taking hold of his arm to stop his frantic pacing. "Look. At. Me." My hands take hold of his pulling them slowly away from his face, so we make eye contact at last. A strike of panic fills his eyes as he looks into mine. "It's ok..." Speaking in a quiet breath i hold his hands in mine waist high. His eyes lower to take a look at our hands before wondering back to my face.

"I...I'm..." Gary bites the inside of his cheek whilst we continue to hold hands with about an inch gap inbetween our bodies.
"Go on..." I give his left hand a little comforting squeeze to show him it's ok. Everything will be ok. "You can do it Gaz... listen to your heart... it's me... Rob..." His breathing starts to increase a little and his forehead begins to sweat slightly.
"I...i'm...s...s..sorry..." Quietly he whispers with a shaky breath almost inaudible dropping his head.
"Huh? What did you say?" Tilting my head i try to make contact with his eyes again.
"I....I'm sorry! I'm sorry... everything... this is my fault... the things i've said... you didn't deserve that... i'm...i'm not being honest with myself...oh god my head is... i'm a mess..." Tears build in his eyes. For the first time in years i've seen Gary Barlow get emotional. Actually being on the edge of tears.
"Sssh... it's ok Gaz..." Pulling him closer i wrap my arms around his back gently stroking my palm up and down. He doesn't pull away instead he returns it burying his face against my arm. "Everything's going to be ok... i promise you...we can do this together...i promise..." He nods his head against me wrapping his arms even tighter around me. Softly i plant kisses in his slightly damp hair nuzzling my chin against his shoulder. "We're a team... Mr B..."